This is going to be a huge rant...if you don't want to stick around,fine. But I'm using this as a time to pour out EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT going through my head right now that I haven't been able to tell ANYONE not even my family. So get ready if you're going to read this. Friends. Haha come to think of it I don't really understand the meaning of the word. I haven't exactly been able to experience a close friendship either...at least..one that lasted anyway. And you know...sure there are acquaintances, and then comes friends and then close friends or sometimes even love. I haven't been able to experience anything past just a friend. And the most life-changing event from freshman year this year made me wonder...do I have any close friends? Or just friends even that I can trust? Someone that I could tell EVERY SINGLE secret to and not hold back anything and they'd be willing to sit and listen? Someone that wouldn't take sides in an argument...but even if they did they would help me and at least listen to what I had to say and not jump to conclusions... A close relationship with someone that you could call a best friend for 2 years that suddenly gets shattered can teach you something like this. You don't know what you have until you've lost it. And I definitely figured out the true meaning of the expression when Victoria built that unbreakable wall in front of me. Not just in the fact I lost my friends, I lost myself when she did. I almost went crazy. I even had to go to counseling and I didn't tell my family a SINGLE word about it I told NO ONE because I was THAT CLOSE to driving myself off the edge(no I do not mean suicide). I felt like screaming and no one could help me...but counseling did help me. Someone actually LISTENED to me, and no one had, not even my family had listened to me like the counselors did. I have so much to thank them for... When the day came that Victoria actually came up to me after finally being convinced by her friends to talk to me, I was happy at first, because she wanted to do something besides send people after me to nagg me in the hallways. But then all she said was "tell me your side of the story". Ha. I did all of the talking from there. She didn't even LOOK at me while I talked. In the end the bell rang and she hadn't heard a single word I said. And look who was there to help me after I practically poured my heart and soul out into telling her every single thing that happened EVEN the counseling? Of course. No one right? I expected it to be that way. Tina and Michelle and a bunch of other people rush up to Victoria and go "omg are you okay? what did she say?" and blah blah blah. I couldn't get myself to hear a word of it... it was too much. And no one to talk to about it. That almost ripped my heart out. I felt like I just lost my heart right then. Because I realized who my true friends were. And I found I had none. Not even just friends helped me out. There was no one. A month later when supposedly Victoria is "sick of fighting and wants to stop" I ask Michelle why she won't talk to me or even look at me and she says "well it's not like she exactly forgives you for what she did." WHY. WHY IS IT. THAT I. AM. ALWAYS. THE ONE. THAT MAKES. MISTAKES. What is it because I'm imperfect?! NO ONE complains about what VICTORIA SAID what she DID to me! EVERYONE just bashes me for what I did to her! I don't have FRIENDS that actually BELIEVE ME and want to LISTEN TO ME to go and tell HER what SHE did to me. And I ended up suffering for it. Like NONE of you will believe. She tells me I never apologized for what I did? What about what SHE did, huh?! I said sorry more than 20 times I was even LATE TO CLASS apologizing to her and all she did was plug her ears and roll her eyes EVERY TIME. She says she wants to stop fighting and be friends again?! SHE SHOULD GO THROUGH WITH IT. INSTEAD OF BRUSHING ME OFF WHEN I'M TRYING TO ESTABLISH GOOD RELATIONS! And I was thinking of dropping her like the rest of my family said I should do, but I wanted to give her a chance and she throws it back in my face! What did I do wrong! Why am I always the one doing something wrong, no one else ever seems to make mistakes but me... It makes me wonder if I'll ever find a true close friend. Someone that I can say is my BEST friend, and that they have no other best friends except me. I know it might sound selfish to say this but it just seems like for once I wish I had someone I could tell everything to, without having to worry about them telling someone else they are just as close friends with. Friendship is one thing. Liking someone, or rather loving someone is a WHOLE different story. You guys that visited my post on here some time ago remember when I asked if it was possible to like someone you've never met? Ha, you've probably guessed it already but yes it has happened to me. Every single thing that could possibly go against my favor happens. I end up liking a guy I've never met, only seen, and talked to once on facebook. He goes to my school. Everything goes wrong from there. He has no classes with me. None, I only see him pass by ocassionally. Someone that tore my heart out and threw it back at me likes him so I hear. He likes one of the most popular, if not THE most popular girl in school. He knows all the people I know. Everyone except me. And all the people around him know who he likes. Even me. Haha...I sound pathetic like some desperate person or something but seriously. I think I like this guy. A lot. Though I've never met him. It's weird I know. But I do. Had to throw that out there. Because unfortunately none of you guys know who he is lol. I'll probably end up ranting more about the second part later. It's 1am and I'm off. Until next time, take care~ | 
